Category Archives: Humour

Men to Avoid in Nightclubs

tazThis article is strictly for women only (unless you’re a homosexual who might like to benefit from this) and it concerns the Sleazeballs of Nightclubs. Sleazeball is another term for a clubber – usually a man – who somehow manages to wreck your clubbing night. I’m sure every girl who has been to a club has encountered the Sleazeball, who comes in many forms.

First you have the Touchy-Feely Sleazeball, who is among the most common. A perfect scenario is where you’re dancing with your friends to a great track that you haven’t heard in months (sometimes years, considering how rubbish club music is these days) when you suddenly feel (usually sweaty) hands worm their way round your waist from behind and a waft of body odour finding its way into your nostrils. You spin round and there is the Touchy-Feely Sleazeball grinning inanely at you, as though you are actually enjoying being gripped and suffocated by him and his deadly smells. It isn’t long (maybe a millisecond) before the Touchy-Feely Sleazeball tries his luck by groping you like a clumsy teenager and, of course, this is the perfect moment for him to receive a swift kick in the groin. An avoidance strategy may be to always position a friend to dance behind you (acting as bodyguard) so that the dim-witted Touchy-Feely Sleazeball has no chance to pounce; or if you have no friend to protect you, simply dance with your back facing the wall. The Touchy-Feely Sleazeball is the worst kind in my opinion because he creeps up behind you with no warning. Very slimy indeed.

ImageNext we have the Talkative Sleazeball – the Talkative Sleazeball ranges between the desperate middle-aged to the young Touchy-Feelys, who have somehow miraculously realized that their hands-on technique isn’t working. The Talkative Sleazeball is usually lingering around the bar, waiting for his prey. Upon spotting you, he will engage in pleasant conversation, offering to buy you a drink, asking where you’re from, how old you are, etc. etc. He will act as though he is extremely interested in everything you have to say before he strikes – first comes the attempt to kiss you (which, for some of the more unfortunate drunken ladies, he sometimes succeeds at) before he endeavours to grope your buttocks. At this point, shake yourself free and say “Oh! I’ve just spotted my friend, I’ll be back in two minutes!” Then never return and make sure you don’t bump into him for the rest of the night. He will wait for you for a good half hour (he is, after all, desperate) but will soon tire and may even realize you’re not coming back, and he will then move on to his next victim. A good avoidance strategy: don’t talk to strangers.

ImageThen comes the Creepy Sleazeball. The Creepy Sleazeball will do nothing but stand by the wall and STARE at you all night. He doesn’t even seem to blink. He will stare and stare and wherever you go, he will follow, his wide staring eyes practically popping from his head. It is very uncomfortable to have a Creepy Sleazeball stalking you around, so the best strategy for this is to tell the bouncer that he is frightening you and have him thrown out. As bouncers are usually quite keen to appear as knights in shining armour for girls, he’s most likely to oblige, and you can continue having a good night out without this particular Sleazeball’s eyes boring into your back.

 ImageFourth is the Cheating Sleazeball. Cheating Sleazeballs always have girlfriends (who are actually there with them) but will dance with you and talk with you as though they are single. He is usually attractive and sweet-talking. Of course, the crunch comes when the girlfriend storms over and the drama starts. Best to get out of there quick, I say. It is quite easy to spot the Cheating Sleazeball because he will be goodlooking, appear to be on his own, and not have the deranged, desperate look of the others. A variant of the Cheating Sleazeball is the Sleazeball Player. The Sleazeball Player IS actually single and will dance and talk with you for a good while, just like the Cheating Sleazeball, but when you’ve come back with the drinks you will find him swaying and grinding on the dancefloor with another girl. Takes the mickey a bit, doesn’t it? The best way to avoid them is to understand one thing – if it’s too good to be true, it probably is.

ImageNext is the Bouncer Sleazeball – Bouncer Sleazeballs are not as common because they are guarding the club, rather than being in it, though they do exist as I had the misfortune to experience once. You go out for a night with your friends and then, with horror, you realize you’ve forgotten your ID. So you plead with the bouncer at the door and, thankfully, he’s kind enough to let you in because he thinks you’re somewhat cute. Feeling rather pleased with yourself, you enter the club and plan on having a good time. Of course you hadn’t counted on the Bouncer following you around, materializing beside you every twenty minutes to make sure you’re still grateful to him and that you’re not dancing with anyone else. It is at this point that you wish you’d been turned away at the door. It doesn’t help that earlier on you foolishly gave the Bouncer Sleazeball your number and he now thinks you’re his girlfriend, his wifey, the one he wants to settle down with for the rest of his life, and for days afterwards you receive phone calls from him, asking you when he’s going to be allowed to cook that Caribbean food he promised for you. It is hard to get away from the Bouncer Sleazeball while in the club because he is watching your every move and throwing out any other man who may dare speak to you. I suppose the best avoidance strategy is this – NEVER forget your ID!

ImageThe Drunken Sleazeball is perhaps among the most annoying of all Sleazeballs; the Drunken Sleazeball is so intoxicated he can barely walk. His breath smells like a rotting corpse and he will constantly tell you that you look like Britney Spears in his barely-comprehensible drunken monologue. The Drunken Sleazeball will attempt to follow you around but the great part is that he’s so drunk that you can lose him quite easily, and he’ll probably pass out at any rate. Avoidance strategy: don’t talk to anyone with bloodshot eyes who you can smell from five miles away, or someone who turns round and slurs “Oi, you know what, you look like that girl, what’s her name, you know the fit one, the one from that film, yeah you know the one…what’s your number anyway?”

So there we have it. The main Sleazeballs in clubs which every girl has to avoid. Of course, it is difficult to find a half-way decent guy considering how alcohol and desperation is rife in clubs, but they do still exist! I’m sure there are more Sleazeballs that I have forgotten but for now, keep an eye out for the ones stated here, the most lethal of them all. Follow the avoidance strategies and your night should never be blighted again!

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The Problem With Gumtree

GT_FINAL_LOGO_040210Gumtree. I’m sure we’ve all heard of the name. That handy website where you can search for jobs, flats, cars, pets and Gumtree Fun (this ominous, baffling category is one I shall elaborate more on later) to name a few. Like most websites, Gumtree has its ups and downs; personally, I’ve found several jobs on there in the past, two of which I’m currently in and rather satisfied with. The same can’t be said for a close friend of mine, who unwittingly applied for a role as a P.A and is now being bombarded with calls from ‘companies’ who are asking for an £80 deposit in order to train her how to use a telephone. So yes, the P.A role turned out to be bogus. As mentioned,the calls still come streaming in and she either doesn’t answer or (if she accidentally picks up) tells them she’ll ring them back in five minutes and leaves it at that. Being of a rather peaceful stature, my dear friend would prefer to avoid telling them to shove off, though I would happily do so if I were in her shoes. The cheek of these scammers is unbelievable.

Landing a job on Gumtree is really a question of pot luck; you could get lucky like me, you could fall victim to scamming sharks like my friend or you could wind up in a role which truly does sound too good to be true – and this is the truth of it. Another friend of mine ended up in one of those charity chugging roles. You know the type … You’re walking down the high street one day and some zit-face fresh out of university with his bogus degree in Politics or Philosophy stops you in your tracks, comments on how attractive your four-year old trainers are and then starts bleating on about starving children, endangered species or the homeless. It might have some credibility if these people actually cared about what they were campaigning for, but you can practically see the pound signs flashing in their eyes as they eye your bag with almost wolf-type salivation. If I want to give to charity, I will do so of my own free will – not due to some late-teen or twenty-something hounding me down the street and spewing a memorized script at me in an attempt to gain commission for himself. Anyway, back to my friend who was in such a role – lasted three months and then quit. Which is why the turnover of staff is so appalling in these roles – you see them advertised in their sackfuls on Gumtree everyday. So much for the genuine, caring nature of the campaigners – it appears their compassion only extends to about twelve weeks. And £8 to £12 an hour? With managers that appear to be rolling in it? This is what you call the concept of charity being tainted to extreme levels. Sickening. And let’s not forget those fearsome ‘charity bucket jobs’. You stand outside a supermarket for eight hours a day with a bucket in your hands for £6.19 per hour, while passers-by occasionally drop their 1ps and 2ps in your little bucket, pennies that contribute towards greater sanitation of public toilets. Life doesn’t get much better than that.

Then of course you have the infamous money laundering roles. If you are stupid enough to accept a role whereby you’re earning something like £2000 a month for something as easy as having money deposited in your account, then steer clear of this site. Gumtree chews up and swallows the brainless for breakfast. And let’s not forget the rich mums and dads who need someone to take care of their little darlings; of course, some of them are pretty decent and genuinely do have a couple of little darlings to look after (like my own current ones) – others, however, are the epitome of the ignorant rich person who has so much money but absolutely no concept of life, and regularly indulges their brat in materialism while encouraging them to be as ignorant as they are. My friend recently got accepted for the role of nanny for a family that owned a successful recruitment company – on her one and only trial day, the mother ordered the elimination of all dust in the house, stressed on the importance of ensuring the dogs were kept to their own bedroom (complete with bed, TV and Wi-Fi) and how crucial it was that the dogs were walked for exactly one hour in the park – and no, the hour does not count from when you leave the house, it counts from when you step foot on the grass in the park! No mention of the kids then. Needless to say, my friend was quite unable to live up to this woman’s preposterous high- maintenance standards and was given the boot after the first day after being bluntly told that she was not quite ‘active’ enough for the role. Charming.

Then we come to the pet section. It always deeply saddens me when I see how many dogs, cats and other animals have to be given away because some irresponsible owner was incapable of foreseeing that they wouldn’t be able to look after them in the long-term. Undoubtedly, there are the rare, few genuine cases but the majority of them are nothing more than lazy, good-for-nothing excuses. Really, your flat’s too small for the animal, so why exactly did you get one then? Or you’re about to have a baby and simply cannot have a dog running around the house – no chance of you properly training it or making the appropriate arrangements so that everything can work out, oh no, certainly not. I will never understand this; my pets have been like my children – the thought of ever giving away my dog would have appalled me and if it meant making certain sacrifices, then I would do so. The attachment an animal, particularly dogs, feels towards their human is no different to the attachment a child feels towards his parent and I am firm in this belief.

The ‘For Sale’ section is an interesting one too; there have been numerous reports of people paying for their goods and not receiving them on Gumtree, then expressing their anger in a rage of froth and spit on various web forums. Again, scammers who prey on the vulnerable. But just as you have the slimy, deceitful man who will profess undying love to the gormless woman on a dating website and then run off with her money, so you will have the scammer who will promise you goods, only to disappear with your cash. Stick to the websites that track this type of thing – Gumtree fail miserably at this. And let’s not forget the ‘Flats and Homes’ section; it’s always wonderful to see some cheap little room in some dirty dingy estate running for £120 a week – and that’s not including bills. Ah – London and its fair, affordable prices.

Earlier I mentioned ‘Gumtree Fun’ which is always good to have a skim through if you’re in a bad mood and fancy a laugh. You get all types of weird characters on there, ranging from the desperate, single (or not) Asian man in his thirties who is pleading for a ‘hook-up’ on the same night he posted the advert, or the melancholic, woebegone depressed businessman who hates his job and can’t find anyone to rant to except other poor saps on Gumtree who can also share in this great depression. You also get the incredibly strange people who will post about how they intend to travel in the summer, usually to the likes of Spain or Portugal, and are looking for a ‘travel buddy’ to accompany them. How is this possible? You would go with a complete stranger to another country – and possibly pay for them too? And find them on Gumtree of all places, the hangout of many creeps and turds; I’m amazed that the thought of not being murdered in your bed by this complete stranger wouldn’t even cross your mind, but that’s just me. More recently, I stumbled across a heading with these enraged words, ‘I have been lied to’ and the following passage:

Ok so I put an advert on here few weeks ago looking for a travel partner to Paris. I received a message from this guy who was interested in going with me. We booked a hotel and travelled and got back last night.

Whilst on the trip we grew very fond of each other and he told me he loves me and I started to love him too. It was perfect we had a lovely time. When we arrived last night I seen lots of miss calls on his mobile which to my amazement was his wife.

This was not true as the lady I spoke to was indeed in love with him and it was a real relationship. I feel I’ve been lied too and really hurt about it I also feel used and let down.

All advice is very much appreciated.

Not sure what type of advice this person is looking for but the words ‘gullible’ and ‘idiot’ spring to mind. Not to mention ‘downright dangerous’. Sometimes, I wonder if people like this actually exist or if it’s all just one big fat joke designed to toy with my head.

Anyway, Gumtree advice over; some of it can be pretty beneficial but, of course, like with most of the online realm, you have to watch out for the numerous sharks, scammers, scumbags, cheaters, liars, frauds, psychos and desperadoes. Not too different from the real world then.