Category Archives: Humor
Gumtree. I’m sure we’ve all heard of the name. That handy website where you can search for jobs, flats, cars, pets and Gumtree Fun (this ominous, baffling category is one I shall elaborate more on later) to name a few. Like most websites, Gumtree has its ups and downs; personally, I’ve found several jobs on there in the past, two of which I’m currently in and rather satisfied with. The same can’t be said for a close friend of mine, who unwittingly applied for a role as a P.A and is now being bombarded with calls from ‘companies’ who are asking for an £80 deposit in order to train her how to use a telephone. So yes, the P.A role turned out to be bogus. As mentioned,the calls still come streaming in and she either doesn’t answer or (if she accidentally picks up) tells them she’ll ring them back in five minutes and leaves it at that. Being of a rather peaceful stature, my dear friend would prefer to avoid telling them to shove off, though I would happily do so if I were in her shoes. The cheek of these scammers is unbelievable.
Landing a job on Gumtree is really a question of pot luck; you could get lucky like me, you could fall victim to scamming sharks like my friend or you could wind up in a role which truly does sound too good to be true – and this is the truth of it. Another friend of mine ended up in one of those charity chugging roles. You know the type … You’re walking down the high street one day and some zit-face fresh out of university with his bogus degree in Politics or Philosophy stops you in your tracks, comments on how attractive your four-year old trainers are and then starts bleating on about starving children, endangered species or the homeless. It might have some credibility if these people actually cared about what they were campaigning for, but you can practically see the pound signs flashing in their eyes as they eye your bag with almost wolf-type salivation. If I want to give to charity, I will do so of my own free will – not due to some late-teen or twenty-something hounding me down the street and spewing a memorized script at me in an attempt to gain commission for himself. Anyway, back to my friend who was in such a role – lasted three months and then quit. Which is why the turnover of staff is so appalling in these roles – you see them advertised in their sackfuls on Gumtree everyday. So much for the genuine, caring nature of the campaigners – it appears their compassion only extends to about twelve weeks. And £8 to £12 an hour? With managers that appear to be rolling in it? This is what you call the concept of charity being tainted to extreme levels. Sickening. And let’s not forget those fearsome ‘charity bucket jobs’. You stand outside a supermarket for eight hours a day with a bucket in your hands for £6.19 per hour, while passers-by occasionally drop their 1ps and 2ps in your little bucket, pennies that contribute towards greater sanitation of public toilets. Life doesn’t get much better than that.
Then of course you have the infamous money laundering roles. If you are stupid enough to accept a role whereby you’re earning something like £2000 a month for something as easy as having money deposited in your account, then steer clear of this site. Gumtree chews up and swallows the brainless for breakfast. And let’s not forget the rich mums and dads who need someone to take care of their little darlings; of course, some of them are pretty decent and genuinely do have a couple of little darlings to look after (like my own current ones) – others, however, are the epitome of the ignorant rich person who has so much money but absolutely no concept of life, and regularly indulges their brat in materialism while encouraging them to be as ignorant as they are. My friend recently got accepted for the role of nanny for a family that owned a successful recruitment company – on her one and only trial day, the mother ordered the elimination of all dust in the house, stressed on the importance of ensuring the dogs were kept to their own bedroom (complete with bed, TV and Wi-Fi) and how crucial it was that the dogs were walked for exactly one hour in the park – and no, the hour does not count from when you leave the house, it counts from when you step foot on the grass in the park! No mention of the kids then. Needless to say, my friend was quite unable to live up to this woman’s preposterous high- maintenance standards and was given the boot after the first day after being bluntly told that she was not quite ‘active’ enough for the role. Charming.
Then we come to the pet section. It always deeply saddens me when I see how many dogs, cats and other animals have to be given away because some irresponsible owner was incapable of foreseeing that they wouldn’t be able to look after them in the long-term. Undoubtedly, there are the rare, few genuine cases but the majority of them are nothing more than lazy, good-for-nothing excuses. Really, your flat’s too small for the animal, so why exactly did you get one then? Or you’re about to have a baby and simply cannot have a dog running around the house – no chance of you properly training it or making the appropriate arrangements so that everything can work out, oh no, certainly not. I will never understand this; my pets have been like my children – the thought of ever giving away my dog would have appalled me and if it meant making certain sacrifices, then I would do so. The attachment an animal, particularly dogs, feels towards their human is no different to the attachment a child feels towards his parent and I am firm in this belief.
The ‘For Sale’ section is an interesting one too; there have been numerous reports of people paying for their goods and not receiving them on Gumtree, then expressing their anger in a rage of froth and spit on various web forums. Again, scammers who prey on the vulnerable. But just as you have the slimy, deceitful man who will profess undying love to the gormless woman on a dating website and then run off with her money, so you will have the scammer who will promise you goods, only to disappear with your cash. Stick to the websites that track this type of thing – Gumtree fail miserably at this. And let’s not forget the ‘Flats and Homes’ section; it’s always wonderful to see some cheap little room in some dirty dingy estate running for £120 a week – and that’s not including bills. Ah – London and its fair, affordable prices.
Earlier I mentioned ‘Gumtree Fun’ which is always good to have a skim through if you’re in a bad mood and fancy a laugh. You get all types of weird characters on there, ranging from the desperate, single (or not) Asian man in his thirties who is pleading for a ‘hook-up’ on the same night he posted the advert, or the melancholic, woebegone depressed businessman who hates his job and can’t find anyone to rant to except other poor saps on Gumtree who can also share in this great depression. You also get the incredibly strange people who will post about how they intend to travel in the summer, usually to the likes of Spain or Portugal, and are looking for a ‘travel buddy’ to accompany them. How is this possible? You would go with a complete stranger to another country – and possibly pay for them too? And find them on Gumtree of all places, the hangout of many creeps and turds; I’m amazed that the thought of not being murdered in your bed by this complete stranger wouldn’t even cross your mind, but that’s just me. More recently, I stumbled across a heading with these enraged words, ‘I have been lied to’ and the following passage:
Ok so I put an advert on here few weeks ago looking for a travel partner to Paris. I received a message from this guy who was interested in going with me. We booked a hotel and travelled and got back last night.
Whilst on the trip we grew very fond of each other and he told me he loves me and I started to love him too. It was perfect we had a lovely time. When we arrived last night I seen lots of miss calls on his mobile which to my amazement was his wife.
This was not true as the lady I spoke to was indeed in love with him and it was a real relationship. I feel I’ve been lied too and really hurt about it I also feel used and let down.
All advice is very much appreciated.
Not sure what type of advice this person is looking for but the words ‘gullible’ and ‘idiot’ spring to mind. Not to mention ‘downright dangerous’. Sometimes, I wonder if people like this actually exist or if it’s all just one big fat joke designed to toy with my head.
Anyway, Gumtree advice over; some of it can be pretty beneficial but, of course, like with most of the online realm, you have to watch out for the numerous sharks, scammers, scumbags, cheaters, liars, frauds, psychos and desperadoes. Not too different from the real world then.
When I was about 15 years old, I had a very vivid picture of who I would be ten years down the line. In my mind, I smugly envisioned living in a ten-bedroom mansion with servants, butlers and cooks at my command due to being an extremely rich and successful author; I indulged in regular fantasies about attending book signings with queues five miles long, fans including old playground bullies that I could now gloat in the faces of (they, according to me, would be flipping burgers for the rest of their lives, much to my pleasure.) I imagined sailing on yachts, taking long, lazy holidays in the Carribean and beyond, feasting on the finest delicacies and, all in all, having my every whim catered to.
Of course, this desirable fantasy soon came crashing down when I discovered that the reality of life was absolutely nothing like I had imagined. Ten years down the line, at the age of 25, I am hardly sipping champagne and eating strawberries and cream served to me by a faithful servant, nor am I basking in the joys of being a successful author. Instead, I am the servant, earning per week the equivalent of what that fancy bottle of champagne would cost. The only joys I have experienced have been the numerous rejection letters/emails I have received from agents and publishers, who have politely informed me that my work is not what they are looking for. One miserable rejection after another, the only thing that keeps me going is the faith that one day this dream shall be achieved (plus several instances using Google to inform me of the amount of times published writers were rejected in the past; I have found this is a wonderful remedy to sooth a wounded ego.)
For the past seven years, I have found myself in a multitude of jobs, very few of which have provided me with any sense of worth as a human being. I am quite sure that a well constructed computer would be able to deal with the incredibly mind-numbing, soul-destroying roles that I have found myself in. For example, working in customer service for a well-known cinema chain and dealing on a daily basis with people who actually took the time out of their clearly dreary existences to write 700 word emails on how their hot dogs were inches shorter than they had expected or how there was nattering from customers in the background, (why don’t you simply tell them to be quiet at the time, rather than whine about it afterwards when it is too late?) is enough to crush even the most resilient of souls. Day in, day out it was the same routine, having to display the same ‘sympathy’ for people who wanted to have a gripe and moan about trivialities that mean absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. I started to question my very existence. Surely this isn’t what life is all about? Being a slave to the system, a Samaritan to complaining nobodies and putting on a fake grin everyday, as though it was the greatest pleasure and ambition to be yelled at by a customer who was shortchanged 50p by a staff member at the cinema who cannot speak English. But yes, unfortunately that is exactly what it is all about. Because each soul-wrecking role has revolved around money, the heart of survival, whether I like it or not. Another position that swirled in darkness was working in a busy law firm. With all due respect to solicitors, who do indeed work extremely hard, they are some of the most stressed, high-strung people I have ever encountered; I’m sure that most of them will end up suffering with high blood pressure at some point. On one occasion, I informed one of the solicitors that the client file he had asked me to search for was currently in the hands of a sister branch. The transformation that occurred was petrifying; he swelled to the size of a helium balloon, his face enraged, red and bloated, and then screamed a load of incomprehensible words as he released his steam. And all it would have taken was a simple phone call.
I am sure that those much older and wiser than me reading this will chuckle at my seemingly defeated attitude and advise me that the time will come where it all pays off. And I do not doubt them. For now, though, I will have to grin and bear it, for that is all that can be done – oh, and persevere.
I’m pleased to announce that my new novel ‘How The Wolf Lost Her Heart’ is now available on Amazon and all good online retailers. It’s exciting, gripping and based in London 200 years down the line. Dystopia, romance, comedy – it’s all there! Click the link to find out more! You can also find me on Facebook.